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A compilation of the awesome and/or humorous things that have been said in or about UnMasqued.

New quotes appear in bold.

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Humorous IC Quotes

Auberon Xerices: What? Do you want me to be your mouthpiece to these people? Do you have something to say?

Greer: Auberon. I don't care about these people. If you could, I'd be just as content if you, laughing, killed them all in a holocaust of flame as I would if you informed them that Lillian Greer was their one true Lord and Savior who died for the collective sins of all Kindred-kind and wishes to spread a message of peace and goodwill to all.

Auberon Xerices: Lillian... I'm not usually blunt. But, may I speak.

Lillian Greer: Yes.

Auberon Xerices: You need to snap the fuck out of it!

- Dialogue between Auberon Xerices and Lillian Greer (post death).

Auberon Xerices: It was apparently okay. You see, he was just following orders.... I don't recall that excuse working in the Nuremberg trials.

Rick Smith: Yes. I spent a long time in a cell after that one...

[long awkward pause]

Rick Smith: I was joking.

- Auberon Xerices on Reino Haldor with commentary by Rick Smith.

Auberon Xerices: Lucas! Lucas! I'm hungry! Get me a hooker!

Lucas Brighton: Auberon... I...

Auberon Xerices: Get me a hooker!

Lucas Brighton: Okay! Okay! I'll look for a hooker!

They drive by and see a scantilly clad woman walking about in the evening. They stop.

Lucas Brighton: Hey baby, I...

Realization it's Lynn Gladius

Lucas Brighton: Lynn, get in the car!

Auberon Xerices: Lynn! You're a hooker!?

Lynn Gladius: What the... Why are YOU looking for a hooker!!!?

Lynn slaps him.

- Some relationships are like that.

Ash Gently: [via Animalism] Isabella. You aren't going to fit through that hole.

Isabella: [via Animalism] Ash... are you... are you calling me fat!?

Ash Gently: No. I'm calling you a GIANT FUCKING ALLIGATOR!

- Dialogue between Ash Gently and Isabella

Bojan Petov: He's... insane.

Lillian Greer: Technically, so am I.

Bojan Petov: Yes... but you don't want to... awaken me to the realities of the universe through eternal suffering... at least as far as I know.

Lillian Greer: Yes. As far as you know.

- Dialogue between Bojan Petov and Lillian Greer regarding everyone's favorite NPC

Brian Wu: You met with Helgorimir?

Eugene "Brody" Wright: Yeah, it wasn't that big of a deal...

Brian Wu: Listen carefully, Brody - Where was his penis?

Eugene "Brody" Wright: What?

Brian Wu: His penis. What was it doing?

Eugene "Brody" Wright: ...does this come up often?

Brian Wu: More than you'd think. It's a Viking thing.

- Dialogue between Brian Wu and Eugene "Brody" Wright

Cameron Bennett: I'm sorry, did I startle you?

Lucas Brighton: No, no, people materialize out of inky black liquid in the middle of the floor all the time, it's no big deal. OF COURSE YOU F***ING STARTLED ME!

Maria del Torro: Actually, it's not that uncommon around here.

Lucas Brighton: Well, somebody could have warned me.

Cameron Bennett: My apologies. Occasionally, I will materialize out of inky black liquid in the middle of the floor. Is that better?

Lucas Brighton: Sure, why not.

- Conversation between Cameron Bennet, Lucas Brighton and Maria del Torro

Danny J. Simons: So this was one of those don't-ask-how-I-know-because-it's-complicated things?

Love Cassandra Goodchild: I uh... I broke a bit of a promise that I made - under duress, mind you - over a decade ago and took a bunch of LSD while hooked up to my roommate's iTunes for about seven hours... If you really want to know.

- Dialogue between Danny J. Simons and Love Cassandra Goodchild

Darren West: Hello?

Adam Jones: This is Jones.

Darren West: Jones?! Where are you?

Adam Jones: We are...

[Jones is interrupted by shouts, gunfire, squealing tires and the sound of someone getting shot...]

Adam Jones: [faintly in the background] TURN ON THE BLINKY LIGHTS!!!

Darren West: Jones?!?!?!

[A rapid incomprehensible series of incantations begins.]

- Phone conversation between Adam Jones and Darren West

Darren West: You said you had one seat available?

Sam McCoy: Yes, that's right. With real leather seats.

They two eventually walk over to where "Star Fox", Sheriff McCoy's trusty horse is parked.

Sam McCoy: This is Star Fox. Hop on!

Darren West: Wait, this is a real horse?

Sam McCoy: Sure.

Darren West: ... I think I'll take the car.

- Conversation between Darren West and Samuel McCoy

Fang: Hey, aren't you the 100-watt Tremere? Fuck-Face, right?

Michael Montgomery: *sigh* Could we at least try to be civil with each other? I'm Dux Bellorum now. It's kind of important.

Fang: My bad. Duke Fuck-Face.

Michael Montgomery: And it's at least 1,000 watts, ye shite-gobbed, arsefaced, fecking puddle of horse semen.

Fang: I thought we were going to be civil.

Michael Montgomery: Everyone knows Irishman can't be civil for more than one sentence.

- Conversation between Michael Montgomery and Fang

Hadrian Evans: [telepathically] Are you going to apologize?

Lillian Greer: [telepathically from astral] Well, you see... I thought he understood what was going on and...

Hadrian Evans: [out loud to the rest of the officers] She says she's very very sorry!

- Snippet from the most awkward officers' meeting ever

Joey Navis: Everybody here whose slept with me raise your hand!

[Gretchen Faustus raises her hand]

Joey Navis: Wooo! That's half the women in the room!

C-Dog: There are only two women here!

- Joey is the man.

Joey Navis: So... yeah. That Greer chick is pretty hawt!

Auberon Xerices: Er.... indeed, a most charming woman. I have had the pleasure of dining with her in the past.

Joey Navis: So, did you hit that?

Auberon Xerices: [confused] Um... I might have... I'm not really sure...

[Jones whispers in Xerices ear]

Auberon Xerices: You foul, repugnant pig!

- Dialogue between Joey Navis and Auberon Xerices

Layla Reese: We do NOT apologize to Camarilla members for trying to stake them!

Bran Cahir: I was only being polite.

- Dialogue between Layla Reese and Bran Cahir.

Lillian Greer: Fascinating things pawns, when they reach the end they can become anything Jamal, anything... except king.

Jamal Assara: But my dear doctor, we all know the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.

Lillian Greer: ...

- Dialogue between Lillian Greer and Jamal Assara

Lillian Greer: I'm not sure precisely what he thinks it does, but I know for a fact it makes him stupid.

Hadrian Evans: The hat makes him stupid.... Are you certain he wasn't just stupid to begin with?

- Dialogue between Lillian Greer and Hadrian Evans, regarding somebody's very special hat.

Cassandra: I'm really sort of nervous about it, but I mean... I like her and I'd like to learn how to make people like me

Pangloss: So wait, she's saying that if you.. *ahem* do this, people will like you?

Cassandra: Pansy! I mean... I don't think that's what she meant...

Pangloss: Do you know what I think, Cassandra? I think you're a lovely young woman who doesn't have to cave into peer pressure to be popular.

- Professor Pangloss attempting to counsel Cassandra regarding her decision to drink Danny's blood that she might learn Presence

Lucas Brighton: Why do you try to solve every problem by sticking a fecking piece of wood in someone?!

Bran Cair: Because it works.

- Dialogue between Lucas Brighton and Bran Cahir.

Liz Grant: So... uh do you have like another name or is it just um... "Roske"? You know like it's just "Madonna"?

Roske: ... I am not like Madonna.

- Dialogue between Liz Grant and Roske

MacKenzie: So... yeah you should like have a badge, and a cowboy hat and some spurs...and oh yeah! You need a horse! Only... wait... it's Winter and then the horse will get cold and die and you won't be able to go anywhere, and you'll just be sitting on a frozen dead horse. That would be sad. So you'd better wait until Spring on that part. But get the badge.

Greer: Er... thanks I'll take it into consideration...

MacKenzie: What are you going to call him?

Greer: Who?

MacKenzie: The horse!

Greer: I don't know. [pause, turns to Petrov] Bojan, what should we call the horse?

Petov: [totally not following the conversation] What horse?

Greer: You know... the horse. [in Serbian] She's crazy. Humor her.

Petov: [in Serbian] I'm not really good at that sort of thing.

Greer: [in Serbian] Really? You do an excellent job with me.

- Conversation involving MacKenzie Turner, Lillian Greer and Bojan Petov

Papa Bear: C'mon man, it's your turn! Everybody else told a story.

Lucas Brighton: I... my life's not that interesting...

Jamal Assara: Come now, Mr. Brighton... enlighten us.

Lucas Brighton: [sigh] Okay... So I'm fucking this girl in the ass in a Catholic church, right? Giving her the business. And she's flailing around, titties knocking over candles and whatnot, and I'm just thinking, "Man, I'm in a Church... there's got to be something I can use here - and that's when I see some rosary beads on the alter. So, I grab those suckers, whip'em around her neck, and now I'm pounding this girl's ass while I'm choking her out with Rosary Beads, and all of a sudden, she screams out "Spiderman, save my baby!" Now, she didn't even have a baby, and Spiderman's a fictional character. But apperently I was laying the pipe in such a way that she couldn't help but call out for an imaginary superhero to come to her rescue. So yeah, I felt pretty good about myself.

Jamal Assara: ...

Papa Bear: You... Are... My... HERO.

- Storytime in the Camarilla

Random Jogger: Uhh... what just happened? Why did you need me to take off this guy's necklace?

Lucas Brighton: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Random Jogger: Uhh.... can I... help you?

Lucas Brighton: [speeding off] WE DON'T WANT TO BUY ANY DRUGS!

Sam McCoy [on the phone]: These... aren't the droids you're looking for?

Lucas Brighton: Well, they weren't.

- Best van ride ever.

Sam McCoy: Did you bring the cheeseburger?

Auberon Xerices: I... what?

Sam McCoy: I assigned it to Assara... [pause] Surely he can manage a cheeseburger.

[A short break follows.]

- Conversation between Sam McCoy and Auberon Xerices

Seth Samuel: Why exactly did you go to my cafe to steal my stop sign?

Pangloss: Who said we stole your stop sign? Maybe we just came for the chicken wings.

Seth Samuel: You're dead! You can't eat chicken wings!

Pangloss: I can lick them.

- Professor Pangloss recommends the spicy garlic flavor

Simon Morris: Ms. Greer, s-s-s-seriously, s-s-something seems screwed up in that Dawson-Walter-man's head...

Lillian Greer: Well Simon, I think that you or I are hardly one's to talk. [begins walking away]

Simon Morris: Wait! w-w-wait. wait. are you s-s-saying that I a-a-a-a-am as socially awkward as that guy?

- Conversation between Simon Morris and Lillian Greer

Tom Cruise: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of deep probing. It's really helped get out the thetans.

Emanuel James Richardson: I would love to join you for some deep probing.

- Emanuel James Richardson IV and Tom Cruise at a party

"I totally got Matrix and saved you like you were Morpheus and I totally flew the helicopter in and fired that huge-ass gun and all the agents died and then you ran toward the window and got shot but I caught you and took you to safety. So yeah, that should be worth a Blood Boon."

- Adameus Fleghorn XIIIV

"We don't want the Cam breathing down our necks. With fire. War."

- Alex

"Two! Two unconscious security guards! Ah ah ah!"

- Ash Gently, while wearing a Halloween mask depicting Count von Count and having just won a chop to see if there was a thunderstorm occuring.

"You can't talk to bees."

- Ash Gently, sounding very annoyed that he was being asked to speak to blood drinking bees in the first place.

"Speaking of draining life force. Ms. Greer, may we have a word?"

- Auberon Xerices

"This was the first morning that I knew I would become a Cainite. My last sunrise. My last sordid encounter with these wretched nuts."

- Auberon Xerices, who hates hazelnuts

"Rest in the loving arms of House and Clan Tremere and we will not see you wronged."

- Auberon Xerices

"Play is something strictly frowned upon by the Tremere on the whole."

- Auberon Xerices

"I'm about to cut my wrists and bleed out in a bathtub... I'd like to hear about religion."

- Auberon Xerices

"I feel confident I can speak a language he'll understand. I've been studying the Chantry's vast collection of Dungeons and Dragons sourcebooks."

- Auberon Xerices

"Shit."

"Oh Shit."

"Oh FUCKING shit!"

"Goddamnit!"

"I hope they don't make me cut off his head... again..."

"...she just likes torturing people, doesn't she..."

- Bojan Petrov's surface thoughts over the course of one evening.

"If any of you decide to disobey his command, he is henceforth instructed to utilize the full extent of this status in order to make the rest of your unlife a "living hell"."

- Bromme Freidrich III, who actually utilized the hand gesture quotey marks in his transmissions.

"I'm sure you're aware Ms. Greer, that I could rip you in half and convince all of these people that it was a party trick."

- Darren West, calmly asking someone to refrain from telepathy

"So he's the brains of the outfit, eh?"

- Diego, refering to Bran Cahir

"You know, Mr. Cruise, chocolate is an aphrodisiac."

- Emanuel James Richardson IV to Tom Cruise

"With any luck, your dumbassery shall be reduced to the point of whimsical comic relief. Totally going to go puke now."

- Eugene "Brody" Wright to Whit Brokehouse

"Yes, I will feed you to my pet alligator that thinks she is a fairy princess."

- Eugene "Brody" Wright to the rest of the Camarilla during court

"I'm drawing the line at lesbian vampire makeout sessions in my apartment"

- Eugene "Brody" Wright to Whit Brokehouse

"I think that we can bestow the status of tolerated on you, provided you stop hitting on me."

- Eugene "Brody" Wright to a new arrival

"You see, you're doing something that could quite possibly bring a large number of cross-waving fanatics to New York, and which also happens to result in an irritating, weasely man demanding my services quite constantly."

- Gretchen Faustus

"I don't like his attitude. Kill him."

- Hadrian Evans

"So, Mr. Brody... My floor displeases you, does it? My apologies..."

- Helgiormir

"The next person who frenzies at this Conclave I WILL PERSONALLY BEAT!"

- Brujah Justicar Jaroslav Paschek, at a memorable Conclave

"Great... can I get an over-priced drink to go with the faggy atmosphere?"

- Jim Sirius, regarding the Sabbat's nightclub

"I don't believe in coercion... of Kindred... in the Sabbat."

- Layla Reese, previous pack leader of the NYC sabbat

"Corruption isn't limited to the Camarilla. I'd like to hope it's limited to people who aren't in this room."

- Layla Reese, blissfully unaware of the exact people present in said room.

"We're like the businessman husband. Papa Bear is the babysitter the wife hired."

- Layla Reese, regarding Papa Bear's caretaking of Alex.

"Lansing, I've called you a fool, what... eight times in this conversation? If I wanted to flatter you I think I could have gotten off to a better start."

- Lillian Greer

"You called it Operation: PERDITION. [pause] Hadrian, didn't you ever have some basic course somewhere in FBI training, something early on, along the lines of "You are not in a Movie!" 101?"

- Lillian Greer

*Giggles while looking down empty hallway* "Dude, that bull down there is hittin on this train, he's all like 'How you doin?' And the trains all 'I'm made outta fuckin metal maaaaaan!"

- Leo Ripley (under the effects of Dementation)

"I don't think I'm likely to get killed. I have a bunch of friends who can see in not-getting-killed-o-vision, and 10 Brody's worth of experience leading the charge."

- Love Cassandra Goodchild

"Sam? No, no, this is Lucas! Jack Knight? Yeah, he's right- (sounds of scuffling) DO YOU MIND? I'm on the phone! Sorry, he was trying to stake me again. JESUS CHRIST, would you knock it off? Sorry McCoy, what was that? Oh right. Hey Jack, they've got your friend all tied up. He's going to die very soon. Uhh... sorry about that, I guess. GOD DAMMIT, STOP TRYING TO EXORCICE ME!"

- Lucas Brighton, on the best van ride ever.

"So, I totally have three pounds of something for Brian Wu in my pants!"

- Lynn Gladius delivering illicit substances.

"Dumbfuckery shall not be tolerated."

"I think it's this couch - this couch makes people stupid."

"I'll fucking cut you."

- Lynn Gladius, dispensing pearls of wisdom as Minor Harpy

"Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby Brujah!"

- Marcus Giovanni to Eugene "Brody" Wright on discovering the clan of a new arrival

"It was just a case of the blood drinking bees. Itched a little. Took an antihistamine. It got better."

- Marcus Giovanni

"Janx, you're an idiot! Now go stand in the corner."

- Marcus Landrit (Janx apparently complied.)

"Never in a city have I seen Malkavians that are so... useful. I mean, two of them hold public office. Aren't they supposed to be crazy? What are they, crazy about efficiency?"

- Neidhart von Meirling

Have you been thinking happy thoughts, Regent Jones?

- Nicolai Antonescu

"So you're saying he's queer?"

- Nunzio Giovanni, to Helen Rogerson, following her tortuous explanation of Emanuel James Richardson IV's sexuality

"On the first day he made light, yeah? An he had some of them make sure the light was a certain shade or a certain color or didn't shine where he didn't want it and some other shit... Fuck day one. Actually fuck days one through five."

- Ripper Bob, on creation.

"That... is the most disturbing thing I've seen since I arrived in New York."

- Roske, commenting on Darren West dumping a bunch of goldfish into the tank of a 14" black piranha.

"Yes... I like the cock."

- Roske, commenting on news reports regarding him and a certain millionaire playboy.

"Everyone has a favorite color, so you must. And it's not black, as much as you would like to say it is."

- Professor Pangloss to Whit Brokehouse

"I'm ever so sorry. I can't imagine what it must be like for you - your entire Clan wanting to kill you and all."

- Professor Pangloss to Molly Auldington

"Here is what my bountiful friends said. They said that the horoscopes for Leo were really stupid lately because they say they have nothing to do with anything. But I know better, because of vast skills, ample intelligence, and an accurate wristwatch and you know better too on account of your luck and pathetic existence. I laughed a little at my friends, which happens a lot because as it goes without saying I am smarter than every human being including those smart enough to want to be friends with me, because it is exactly the opposite. Unlike the hot dog stand full of lies, spoiled milk, and starving prostitutes that are your other horoscopes, the Leo horoscopes actually had a relation with reality. With me, the ultimate reality."

- Sam McCoy to the Daily Dirge Horoscopist.

"I'm a a v-v-very imp-p-p-portant m-m-man."

- Simon Morris

"Ex-excuse m-me, sir, but y-your be-being r-rather ob-obnoxious and rude and i-i-it's b-b-bothering me so c-c-could you SHUT THE FUCK UP!?"

- Simon Morris

"Well . . . he's not really THAT dark of a dark god."

- TJ Phillips, explaining Set

"You look like you're masturbating a dinosaur."

- TJ Phillips, responding to Jack of Clan Adameus wrestling and imaginary morning star from an imaginary assailant and proceeding to beat the imaginary man with his own imaginary weapon.

"You know... there's only one type of woman allowed in my dreams."

- Vojislav Giovanni, to a psychic dream manifestation of Lillian Greer, as he nods in the direction of a dream Britney Spears who is giving him a blowjob while he eats a steak on a sunny summer day.

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Serious IC Quotes

Adam Jones: She is dangerous and cunning. She is to be feared and tread lightly around.

Auberon Xerices: No, she is to be often encountered and enjoyed. Know you nothing of social graces?

- Dialogue between Adam Jones and Auberon Xerices

"I'll be honest... he intimidated me. He always managed to encapsulate everything he and I might have been talking of or thinking about in five... no perhaps three words or less. I would tell him something, and he would say "Yes." Occasionally he would make it to, "Yes, I know." Sometimes it would be, "This is good."

[pause]

The most frightening thing he ever said to me was "I don't know."

...because if a man who can communicate so much with three words doesn't know something, the situation is very hairy indeed.

- Auberon Xerices, on Bojan Petrov

"There's always going to be some displaced and ancient being of darkness waiting in the kitchen and a political war just outside the door. But we're supposed to care for one another. That's what love is, I hear."

- Auberon Xerices

Lillian Greer: Why are you loyal to West? Why do you "owe" it to him? Where for that matter, does obligation come from? It isn't solid, tangible, concrete. From where does this concept, loyalty, descend? Bojan, why do you "owe" anybody anything?

Bojan Petrov: [pause] ...I just do.

Lillian Greer: I. Just. Do. [pause] Three words. I really can't make much of a counter-argument to that rebuttal.

Bojan Petrov: I know... That's why I like it.

- Dialogue between Lillian Greer (post death) and Bojan Petov.

Lillian Greer: Bojan. Don't do anything stupid.

Bojan Petrov: I haven't done anything stupid since I got to the city. Look where it's gotten me.

- Dialogue between Lillian Greer (post death) and Bojan Petov.

Lillian Greer: (moments after her death) I... I... thought you said you needed me.

[pause]

Hadrian Evans: I do.

- Dialogue between Lillian Greer and Hadrian Evans

William Lansing: This is quite a fine soap opera we have running here. Isn't it?

Lillian Greer: Soap opera?

William Lansing: Perhaps more like a real opera.

Lillian Greer: Lansing... you know what happens at the end of operas.

William Lansing: Doesn't everybody end up dead?

Lillian Greer: Not everyone. Just the important people...

- Dialogue between William Lansing and Lillian Greer.

"I wish things could be different... although wishing has never done me any good before."

- Bojan Petrov

"I haven't betrayed you Evans, you've betrayed yourself!"

- Darren West, as he declared praxis rather dramatically, damaging a table.

"Over an eternity, improbabilities become certainties."

- Diego

"For some men, immortality is a gift. For some men, immortality is a curse. For Impulse, it's a necessity."

- Layla Reese, on Impulse.

"Consider a little more carefully what your sect needs of you. You do this, and we have one less reasonable, loyal, SANE kindred, and one more wrecking ball of a playacting god who kills his children on archaic whims. I do not deny that it would be good for the sect, no doubt the world, if this man were to end, but if you throw yourself away on a grief ridden dream, what will be left? Couldn't you be of more use alive? Over all the eternity that you may exist? If all the good people in this sect commit suicide by Elder, what will we be left with?"

- Loa, regarding Layla's plans to attack a Sabbat cardinal.

"Every story ends in death. I often think the survivors are the least fortunate. We see how all the stories end."

- Loa

"Everyone has to play their game a little eventually. The trick is remembering it's a game."

- Love Cassandra Goodchild

"Did you clap last year?"

- Professor Pangloss to Prince Wright, regarding his reaction to Zappelphillip's suicide

"Suicide means a different thing, when you're immortal. When you can't depend on an ending coming on its own. We really should have a right to it. No one should have to live forever.

- Pisces

"You're now a part of me. We took Vaulderie together. I know about and understand me, but the part of me that's from you I don't understand because I don't know or understand anything about you. And that scares me."

- Stefan Jean Vassier, to Morryn

"Any man involved in politics, especially revolutionary politics, and who has the best interests of the people at heart and is determined to serve them, must do great evil in order to do what is right."

- Svetlana Ivannova Karamazova

"I am damned. I know this. I have committed many sins, and will commit many more, and far worse ones, before I finally meet my demise."

- Svetlana Ivannova Karamazova

"I know. Loving is something that I do, not something that you do."

- William Lansing

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OOC Quotes

Anonymous Camarilla Player: I really think that the best way to get rid of Lillian Greer is just to play off of her natural weakness -push her into insanity and then she will be non-functional-

Joe: NO! that is a BAD idea!.....Let me put it this way... Trying to get rid of Lillian Greer by pushing her into insanity is like trying to get rid of a barrel of gasoline by throwing it into a bonfire...I mean, it DOES get rid of the gasoline. (gives a "Do you understand?" facial expression)

[much laughter]

-Joe expounding on the obvious.

Becky: There are many things Danny owns that she definitely wouldn't carry around.

Abigail: Like the 8-foot tall golden, emerald-encrusted statue of a snake.

Becky: Oh, that too.

- Dialogue between Becky and Abigail

Becky: Remember, whatever she does to you, she's just trying to make you a better person.

Jackson: But I don't want to be a better person! I want to be a weasel!

- Dialogue concerning the character Cassandra's propensity for trying to "better" people.

Brendan: I love Aura Perception so much! I want to Aura Perceive Evans.

Ryan: His aura is probably written in binary, like in The Matrix.

- Dialogue between Brendan and Ryan

Carlson: I have six stakes on my person... and I have the Prince's permission to carry them, thank you very much Miss Sheriff.

LG: Not as good as what the Prince let's me carry around.

Carlson: I wouldn't really qualify Petrov as something you carry.

- Dialogue between Carlson and LG before game.

Charlie: Technically through some bizarre series of circumstances it could result in you being killed. However, technically Bojan Petrov losing a game of Chutes and Ladders could get you killed somehow too, I suppose.

Kevin: Well... you know... he does have the 5-point flaw "Must kill the Sheriff whenever I lose at Chutes and Ladders"... and that 2-point flaw "Terrible at Chutes and Ladders" and then that derangement "Addiction: Chutes and Ladders".

- Dialogue between Charlie and Kevin.

Chloe: So I heard a lot of stuff happened at game I missed. Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!

Joe: Well...

LG: Tonya Mason totally declared praxis!

- Dialogue between Chloe, Joe and LG (Only funny if you remember Tonya Mason)

Chloe: I can see him rearranging a carefully positioned line-up of sunglasses and earpieces... over and over...

Charlie: Yeah, or pouring over a closet filled with identical greenish-grey suits... and for some reason a single Hawaiian shirt. Yeah.. and every Elysium night he picks up the Hawaiian shirt, stares at it, puts it on, looks in the mirror and says "I can be spontaneous. Tonight, I will make a change!" He always wusses out at the last second though.

Kevin: Dude, as soon as Elysium ends, he collapses into a ball and weeps continuously for the next two weeks.

- Varying responses to the question "What does Hadrian Evans do in his spare time?"

Fred: I'd just like to nominate myself for being particularly Deadly tonight.

Joe: Right, give Cameron a level of "Suck-my-Cock."

Justin: [ecstatic] You can buy that!?

- Typical exchange during nominations

Joe: Hey. Heard about what happenned last game... Bitch stole your MAN!

LG: What the... which bitch?

[pause]

LG: WAIT!! Which man!

- Joe telling LG what's what.

Jon: Haldor would turn on Brody for a biscuit

Becky: Really?

Jon Maybe not. Maybe two biscuits.

- An assessment of Haldor's loyalties

LG: Stupid Master-Interrogator Reino Haldor. Ruining poor Lúsha's life.

Becky: We need t-shirts that say "Unmasqued" on the front and "Go for the eyelids!" on the back.

- LG and Becky

LG: [Looking at a picture of Lucas and Cameron] Lucas isn't crying enough.

Abigail: I get the feeling that statement has occured in every ST meeting ever since Lucas entered the game.

LG: Yes.

- LG and Abigail

LG: [lamenting the current lack of torture in the Camarilla] It doesn't count if they're not screaming!

Brendan: [affecting EJR] Oh, honey, they'll be screaming.

- LG and Brendan

Matt: (shouting to Ashley) Helen! ... Wait that's not your name, lemme get it.

Ashley: It's Ashley... My real name is A-she-ly

Diana: Wait, your vampire's name is Helen? That's so ordinary. I thought it would've been Nightraven, or something like that.

Matt: Well, you see, vampires are really-

Diana: (Cuts him off) I mean, you might as well of called her Susie. Or Doris.

- Discussion in the Decafe, right before game, with non-larp friends (Diana) involved.

Naomi: Actually, I'm content to let him be Primogen. I think he'll get stuff done.

LG: Whatever. My deputy does not need to be one of those things being done!

- Dialogue between Naomi and LG, regarding Emanuel James Richardson IV

Peter: (Just finishing a piece of pizza) Oh Jeff, I'm rubbing my greasy hand through you hair.

Jeff: Your just lubing my head, Peter.

- Dialogue between Peter and Jeff

Rachel: Is your neck feeling ticklish?

Tim: No, but I'm feeling a strange urge to bite yours.

Rachel: No! No Embrace! I don't want to be a LARPer!

- Dialogue between Tim and Rachel

Rebecca: She's a Ventrue? Huh. She doesn't act like a Ventrue.

Abigail: She thinks she's a god.

Rebecca: Point.

- A discussion regarding Loa

"Pisces says that New York vampires have all gone soft in their crazy pocket universe. And if they were ever released into the wild again they'd be immediately devoured. Because they'd go and try to hug a Seneschal or show someone where their haven is."

- Abigail

"You can tell how bad the Camarilla is doing based on what Helen's drinking."

- Ashley

Setite Sunglasses when down (hanging over her eyes) and when she flips it back, Eyes of the Serpent!

- Becky, on Danny J. Simon's hair

"See Charlie, there's your problem. If you started cognizizin' you could be my friend."

- Brendan

"EJR accomplished a major goal tonight! Getting Darren West and Roske into a three-way... [pause] ...conference call."

- Brendan

"If I were going to kill her, I'd do it in a Kindred-warded room, where I'd hired a Giovanni to ward the room even more against anything spiritual whatsoever. Then, after the deed was done, I'd kill the Giovanni... and then I'd blame it on the Setites"

- Carlson, elaborating on one of his simpler plans.

"Sweet!"

"10-4"

"It's alive!"

- Charlie, expending as little typing energy as possible in answering influences

"So... according to tonight's nominations the Sabbat was apparently intense and the Cam was awkward."

- Charlie

"Fuck you, Smucker's! You're not in Elysium!"

- Charlie

"You know happiness and sunshine aren't the same thing for vampires."

- Charlie

"That's one hot piece of Assamite!"

- Danya

"Terrorists cannot stop opera. Opera will prevail. Long live opera."

- Danya

"Remember, you can't spell "demon" without "emo.""

- Danya

"It's hard to get the Nosferatu off my face."

- Danya

"Good God Leah! There's a gun on the floor! ...oh wait, that's just a normal index card. I get confused."

- Former gaming-widow boyfriend

I feel that when Vojislav Giovanni masturbates it somehow qualifies as rape.

- Ivan

"You aren't on Humanity, you are on Fanaticism and the Inner Danya."

- Jacob

"He isn't the brightest turnip on the onion cart."

- Jacob, referring to Bojan Petrov. (I have no explanation.)

There is an office door that says Seneschal, the sticky says Prince.

- Jon, regarding Brody's office door

Who needs character judgement when you have logic?

- Jon

It's hard to figure out exactly who is in charge of the fishbowl.

- Jon, regarding imaginary girlfriends

"Just being ugly doesn't get you contacts!"

- John, regarding the Nosferatu clan advantage

"YEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!"

- John, imitating the yeast beast

"EEEEAAAAARRRGGGGGGHH!"

- John, imitating the spinning finger disc monster from the labyrinth of the underworld.

"VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

- John, imitating the entity being incinerated by astral technocrats.

"Fine! You're now on the Path of "Bitch, bitch, bitch, take it bitch!" Your virtues are now bitchitude, bitchliness, and "Oh-my-God-I'm-being-reamed-hard!"-age. Have some level 1 Daimoinan. Good girl.

- John, explaining what it's like to have a Baali mentor

"I'm totally like... the Halliburton of UnMasqued...

- John

"On a level of awesomeness, you're almost equal to me."

- Joe to Ryan, modest as ever

"I fuck my sister."

"Yeah, I fuck your sister too."

- Joe, simulating conversation between a Giovanni and a Setite

"Quiet Coyote?! No! This is the fist! The fist of sorrow"

- Justin

"I'm sorry. I am filled with power and malevolence."

- LG

"Go ahead! Your warnings only serve to spread fear! And Lillian Greer has reached such a point that she feeds not upon blood, but FEAR! That's right FEAR! Fear and the crushed dreams of Clan Brujah!"

- LG

"The mighty hammer of God is coming down upon you because you killed too many %$*#ing government agents in front of the Pope!"

- LG, regarding the consequences of things.

"It gets a little more bizarre everytime I talk to him. Next time I'm pretty he'll just say something along the lines of "Auberon's summer action is covering himself in mustard and rolling around naked on straight razors."

- LG

"Brain Wu is totally the sort of man who would sit about perturbed and contemplative at a New Year's party with a tie on his head, blissfully unaware that he lacked any pants..."

- LG

"Right now I can't really bathe in money, I can only really shower in it."

- Peter, on Brian Wu's money

"It wasn't my fault. The C4 was already there."

- Peter, on Brian Wu's past adventures

"Next on New York By Night: It's Stakes On A Plane! Ain't no mothafuckin' thing you can do about that!"

- Tom, rendering LG speechless.

"The fruit myth will be believed."

"When the blood suck ghost moves towards one new city, they must propose themself to the prince."

"Ha, his entire family is tortured in it after and his puppy obtains to the death by Tzmisce, the lung cancer. Draconius chews with gusto in quite the angstburger."

"Popefish is frequently prevented to be able to arrive absurdly for the example white sexual harasser camera company."

"We want you are the snake gods!"

"If you find any inconsistencies, innuendo, or other similar rules excavation wrong, rest assured boldly in their report theominouslg AT unmasqued DOT com"

- Some choice examples of what happens when you translate this entire website into Chinese using Google and translate it back again.

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Vampire: The Masquerade, the names of the Clans, Sects, the Clan and Sect symbols and logos and the name White Wolf are all copyrighted by White Wolf, Inc.

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