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Maria's Goodbye

December 20, 2007

My dear Anastasia,

As you read these words, I am on my way out of your life, traveling across the country to find myself a new future. I doubt that you saw this coming - frankly, I still can't believe that it's really happening. You should know, though, that my departure has been in the works for over a month. I chose to leave, rather than to continue suffering as I have been.

Anastasia, as my Sire, you know me better than anyone, and yet there are some things about me that you will never understand. I have loved you as any childe ought to, and in some ways even more so. My feelings, though, have been in flux for a long time. I suppose it's rather greedy of me, leaving like this... My motivations are greedy, at least. I wanted more than you would, or perhaps could, give me. I wanted a friend who wasn't also a mother or a lover. I wanted to be able to function as an individual without fear of some kind of repercussions for being myself. I wanted to be able to try new things without their being cast in a negative light and thus shown to the entire world. I wanted independence. I wanted to be able to keep secrets.

Do you remember what secrets are, Anastasia? Rather, do you remember what other people's secrets are? They are theirs to keep. My story has always been mine to tell - I'm a greedy little childe, and I know this well, but that doesn't change the fact that it is mine. My secrets were mine to tell to you. They were never yours to spill to others, even facts as seemingly trivial as my age. You do like talking about me, I've noticed. I wish you could see how intriguing and entertaining a person you are - you don't need someone to boast about in order to have a conversation. I know that I like you for you, and I'm absolutely sure the rest of the world will too, if you just give people a chance to get to know you. I'm honored by the attention you pay me when I'm not exactly present, but really, enough is enough. You are your own person, and you are an amazing person, and you should learn to recognize this. Toot your own horn once in a while. People talk to you because they want to talk to /you/.

Congratulations on hypothetically getting Primogen - I'm sorry I won't be there to see you lead clan Toreador to fame and glory. I must caution you, though, that the kind of immaturity you exhibited last Court probably won't go over very well if repeated. Keep your head on straight and you should be fine. Be careful if you go up against Marco - we may disagree regarding his attempts to manipulate the clan, but I am certain that he knows what he is doing, in any case.

You should know that this is the third draft I've written of this letter. The other two were crumpled up and tossed away almost immediately. This is my last try, and I hope I've managed to get everything in.

I am honestly sorry to leave you like this, but I can see no other way. Don't bother trying to find me. I've left my cell phone in the apartment, and even if you figure out where I am, I'll still be elsewhere. I've learned how to hide. I might even be a different person, a few months from now. My composition is going in a new direction that I couldn't tell you about because I knew you would never approve. I have befriended people you would never want me to associate with. I'm armed in more ways than you can imagine, and I refuse to keep letting the world walk all over me. I'm changing, Anastasia, and next time you see me you won't even know who I am.

I hope that you will be able to move on as I will, and I wish you all the best. I will always remember you as my little ballerina girl.

Keep practicing, and take care of Chaplin for me.



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