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Conrad Desmond says "Hello" to Diego

May 1, 2007

On the Outside of the Note: "I've "investigated" this family. They're apparently on vacation..."

On the Inside of the Note:

"Right, you're the Dirt Man.

So, I know what the fuck you are and I know where your dirt's been leading us.

You did something dirty two nights ago apparently. A call was made from this apartment to a very confused and frightened 911 operator. It was traced 58 minutes later. Neighbors reported a woman screaming. Police looked into it - actually. (Surprise! Surprise!)

They found that the the Lunez family was absent and on vacation. The neighbors have been reassured.

You know why, Dirt Man? Because I told them to. That and because it's a whole fuckload less hassle to explain the ground up bits of bone in the toilet, the impossible impact marks on the walls and the hellish inexplicable blood patterning when we can chalk it all up to weird or faulty forensics and not some blood sucking fugly demon-beast that the tax-paying American public has no interest in knowing about.

Here's my deal. I know where you've been sleeping recently and I have a damn good hunch as to where some of your friends are too. You're a lot fucking sloppier than you think, Dirt Man, and I could take my damn exquisite time making you ponder precisely how much harder the sunlight is to handle than a bunch of snot-nosed spics that won't be missed - I think the sunlight would win that round.

So here it is.

1.) Long Term Project: Get me someone. One of you. Get them to me neat, clean, and not moving. If you do, I'll keep telling my friends that Margarita Lunez took off with her kids and boyfriend on a lark. If you can't do that, get me some vampire blood and we can negotiate.

2.) Short Term Project: Stop doing whatever the FUCK you do and stop smearing your food everywhere. I've seen you bastards eat without pulling an Ed Gein before.

3.) Don't even think of trying to fuck me over. Whether you like it or not, I was your best friend on Friday. Comprende?

That's all.

Give me a voicemail when you feel like talking. xxx-xxx-xxxx

- α

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