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The Meatburginator

Love Cassandra Goodchild; August 19, 2010


Goal: This is mostly fluff... but it's FUN fluff. Cassandra is essentially attempting to undermine the managing of Helen's such as that she has creative control of it's operations, even though she isn't the legal owner (for now). Eventually, once she has more influence of some sort, she will attempt to change the restaurant's name to Cassandra's and transform it into a hummus bar that only over-privileged yippies and their neo-punk anarchist freegan buds frequent.

"Hey restaurant guys! You remember me! Cassandra? Yeah... I'm the owner's wife. I played that cute preemptive April's fools joke on him with the stop sign when we were still just dating - you remember me.... yeah... that guy with the mustache and the weird hat is my brother. What a joker!

Anyhow, my dear hubby has like... totally had to suddenly go abroad for very very very good reasons, and he wasn't entirely on top of all of his uh... restauranty planning and stuff so... yeah... I wanted to talk to everyone about stuff so he won't have to work as hard when he gets back... okay!?

Yay! I'm glad we're all team players here!

Anyhoosit. He was really keen about adding more vegetarian/vegan items to the menu, as this is like... New York and all and he wants emphasize that Helen's is here to cater to all manner of differently dieted individuals. Just, you know... maybe put a veggie burger on the menu. Ofter a pita plate. Little things.

Oh yeah! And while Seth is still big on the whole "classic rock" sort of thing, he was kinda thinking of eventually expanding that too. Some alternative stuff has been around long enough to be classic, ya know?

Just trying to be helpful."

Influence Response:

Your introduce yourself to the employees of Helen's as Seth's spouse. Things start off a bit awkward. Some refuse to believe you. One of the part-time waitresses looks a bit sad and goes to the bathroom. Most of those that do eye you warily, careful lest you cast the hex of marriage upon them as well. A few just...examine you. You seem to meet with their approval.

It seems the idea of doing some alternative music has been floating around for a while. Apparently, a lot of restaurants and bars seem to be doing that nowadays. Maybe do something a little different once a week, get some local talent, do a Battle of the Bands or something. We could get some of those electric stull lights that look like they're on fire. It'd be totally sweet. And I mean, c'mon, Megadeth and Metallica are classic rock, probably, right?

You mention "Seth's" idea of expanding Helen's menu options to include alternative dietary options. The head cook tells you he knows exactly what you mean. Some of his old brahs used to come out here on Tuesdays and get some Baconachos and the fucking awesome Barbecue Chicken Chili Cheese Fries and get fucking plastered, only now they can't eat that kinda shit anymore so they just go down to Hooters instead. Helen's needs some way to set itself apart. And it can't do tits, because Hooters already did that.

No. What it needs, in one word is MAN FOOD. And don't think that because you're a chick you can't appreciate MAN FOOD. After all... every chick wants some MAN in her, he tells you with a wink.

He tells you he's been waiting for this moment for a long time, and that you should just go out and grab a table.

A short while later, he comes out with a large dish, and introduces you to the Meatburginator.

As you stare at the fleshy holocaust in front of you, he describes in detail the trials and tribulations in his attempts to construct the world's first true hamburger-made-entirely-out-of-meat. He tells you his experiments pioneering meat-based lettuce-substitute and how to get that perfect crispness from the chicken skin without burning it. He explains the process of deep-frying the ham with pork rinds instead of breading to make the meat buns. He details the meat cheese, the meat onions, the meat pickles. The meat tomato slice. It's all there. But all of it would mean nothing nothing without the Meatburginator Patty, two pounds of pure meaty meatness, the exact contents of which are known only to him. And best of all, it's 100% Atkins friendly.

MAN FOOD. It's going to put Helen's on the FUCKING MAP.

He sets it in front of you, and watches you excitedly, eyes shining with expectation.

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