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Down with Doughnuts

Ash Gently; September - October, 2007


Ash Gently; September 26, 2007


WATCH x2 (Buying donuts for influence)


It's one thinking getting your influence a six-pack of beer or something, and it's another thing to get them a pizza every now and again, provided the toppings are outlandish enough that only one guy in the precinct house will touch it. It's another altogether to reinforce negative stereotypes and encourage lazy work ethic through the distribution of donuts.

Also, Ash just dislikes donuts.

For the good of New York City, he will put an end to the moral and dental decay of the NYPD, both by identifying and dealing with distributors (thus cutting the donuts off at their source), and by warning against the threats of chemical and/or biological attack by terrorists or the like. To aid said point, he'll send boxes of donuts containing strong laxatives anonymously to precinct houses. The donuts are bought anonymously (and obfuscated) if possible. If a name must be connected with said donuts, Ash uses the name Martinez.


Find out what it was that Martinez the Bunyip was wanted for, anyway.

Influence Response:

You find that one guys been providing the boys in blue with doughnuts and coffee. His name is Alek King, a smart young lad with the FBI honors internship program. He's apparently one of the few assholes from the feds that the boys in blue get along with much.

Other than that nobody's leaving out any manner of baked goods for the poor cops of New York... nobody except "Martinez" that is!

Over the next week, you notice that Alek's been asked to stop bringing in breakfast stuff. Police in the department you hang around are eating individually wrapped and tamper proofed cereal bars for breakfast these days.

A few inquiries tells you that Martinez was wanted for over 500 counts of glim-dropping in twelve states..


Ash Gently; October 9, 2007


WATCH for people buying doughnuts for their influence.


Make small talk along the lines of "How are you?", "Nice weather we're having." and "Any new grisly murders lately?". Find out rumors and interesting info. Sympathize with them for putting up with this shit.

Also, buy the cops some energy bars. They make a great snack, only taste *mostly* like chalk, and best of all, aren't poisoned by terrorists.

Influence Response:

You rub shoulders with every cop you can find who's got a doughnut, or an empty box of doughnuts, or a doughnut wrapper in the dumpster behind the station.

Most of them ignore you, or say that someone else brought them in. But eventually, one young man (whom, you notice, has a fancy new iPod), tells you that none other than the virtuous, fanciful, and beautiful Brian Wu bought them in personally. The night janitor agrees, holding up a half-eaten chocolate-covered-with-sprinkles, then devours the rest whole.

You give him a dashing half-smile in thanks. He offers you his doughnut, but of course, Ash Gently doesn't like doughnuts. You place a box of PowerBars on his desk and leave while he's still puzzled.

The cops agreeably tell you that things have been slow in the grisly murders department. One sheriff named Kines tells you that one of his guys was hit by a car, and is now recovering from a couple broken bones.

You get him a tasteful get well card that reads, on the front, "A man walks into a bar, where he sits down next to a moose. He asks the moose, 'Hey there, Moose. What're ya drinkin'?' The moose responds, 'What the hell are you drinking? I'm a moose!'"

The inside of the card reads, "I may not have any good jokes, but at least my humerus isn't broken! Get well soon."

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